post: settling and growth (#99)

posts/settling-and-growth.mdx

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+---
+title: 'The Struggles of Perfectionism and the Quest for Greatness'
+date: '2023-11-11'
+description: 'w'
+---
+
+I have a strange problem. I only settle for the best. Suboptimal is
+unacceptable. This desire for perfection applies to my work ethic and bleeds
+into how I treat my relationships. I have high expectations for my friends.
+
+But I wasn’t having my expectations always met. This led to some
+dissatisfaction. I learned that the only way to circumnavigate this was to lower
+my expectations. But for relationships, that sucks! Relationships are such a key
+and significant component of our lives, so having high expectations for your
+friends is undeniably good. If you put in lots of effort and compassion into
+your relationships, you better be reciprocated. The unfortunate and harsh
+reality is that if your expectations of others are not met, you either:
+
+1. Cut them off. Growing pains
+2. Settle for “good,” not “great.”
+
+So, really, this “struggle” of having high expectations for my friends was not a
+struggle at all. But still, the general idea of only expecting the best raises
+some questions.
+
+- Am I really in the position of having high expectations? Or are these
+  unrealistic? Do I have a
+  [Bias blind spot](https://www.cmu.edu/news/stories/archives/2015/june/bias-blind-spot.html)?
+- When, if at all, do you stop growing as a person? Do you take breaks from
+  growth? Keep in mind how your reference points may shape your perception of
+  how much growth you have. It relates to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and the
+  part on self-actualization. But then, what’s the point of all this? How does
+  this tie into happiness?
+
+Let’s define the growth mindset. I initially had a misconception about it. A
+growth mindset does not mean you are constantly finding and fixing holes or
+finding areas to learn about/expand some expertise. A growth mindset does not
+entail you seeking out problems. A growth mindset is an open way to tackle
+problems or deal with the possibility of making a mistake.
+
+While seeking out problems to fix can lead to tremendous growth, it takes an
+absurd amount of energy. You need a lot of motivation, and you need a lot of
+effort to execute and change yourself. This is probably a once-a-year thing. Or
+it will come whenever you feel like you’re stagnating.
+
+> But wouldn’t it be nice if you always were seeking out challenges?
+
+Sure, it may lead to greater growth. But this is not a facet of life that leads
+to greater happiness. Excessive growth may lead you to become estranged from
+friends. It’s OK to share learnings and expect a lot from friends, but becoming
+enveloped in growth and losing touch and human connection is not okay. The
+“grind and retire early” folk are in a similar trap.
+
+I also want to be extraordinary. But I only know what I don’t want to be. I
+don’t want to stagnate. I don’t want to be closed-minded. I don’t want to be
+obsessed with work. I don’t want to be unempathetic. I don’t want to be the
+stereotypical engineer.
+
+I also don’t think it’s fair to expect the best/give all the time. You can’t
+give undivided attention 100% of the time. After all, studies show that giving
+your partner 15hrs/week of undivided attention is good for maintaining a healthy
+relationship. You can’t have every conversation follow your definition of
+perfect. But what if it was possible? Why not chase it? It feels so shitty
+giving up that dream of chasing excellence.
+
+Maybe I’ve reached too far. Perhaps all this could be summed up into
+“unrealistic expectations.” But again, everything online says that even
+unrealistic expectations are good to have. They just don’t mention that perhaps
+there’s a decision to make when you get disappointed. You cut out the bad.
+
+Still, in terms of relationships, it is uncertain to decide when you need to cut
+out the “good” for the “great.” Sometimes this decision is easy, maybe some
+friends are detrimental to your health and genuinely bad influences. Sometimes
+this is hard. You have to find the “great.”