Drawer11Part3.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Current Comedy
MRS. CLEAN - NEIGHBOR
24/JUN/1991
EVEN FANG SAYS SHE GOES OUT OF HER WAY TO MAKE US
LOOK BAD.  SHE MOWS HER LAWN.  WE HAVE THE ONLY LAWN
IN AMERICA WHERE YOU CAN HIDE AN ELEPHANT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Ted Wiszuk
Aug/1983
She believes in Arab-style punishment; People who smoke in elevators
should have their lips cut off.

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Mrs. Clean
PD
FEB/1984
Mrs. Clean is so mean she bought twin water beds so her husband is
frustrated and seasick at the same time.

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Mrs. Clean
PD Gag
MAY/1983
You can see yourself in my plates- I don't want to see myself on a plate-
the only way I could see myself in my plate would be to paste a picture
on it.  (What's wrong with her- you can't see yourself in a paper plate- no
matter how clean you get them - anyway that's the way I serve leftovers-
I just leave 'em on the plate.

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Mrs. Clean
Betty Thomas
SEP/1982
Mrs. Clean rushed to Cape Kennedy to help scrub the space program.

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Mrs. Clean
Lydia Olson
03/AUG/1981
Her Tidy Bowl man wears a Tux!

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Mrs. Clean
Tim Cahill
JUN/1981

Great housekeeper.  She not only washed the kitchen floor -- she
starched it and ironed it.

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MRS. CLEAN
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Her shoes laced clear to her throat. (neck)

CF - Fashion
Mother Ding-A-Ling

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Mrs. Clean
Burt Brown
MAR/1981

(She thinks) or (He thinks) a car pool is a station wagon with a hot tub in
the back.

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Mrs. Clean
L. E. Peters
APR/1980
Mrs Clean:  She's so frugal.  She says she can't afford a wardrobe for
every season.  Instead of winter dresses, she wears two summer
dresses.

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MRS. CLEAN
O'Liners
MAY/1980
Mrs. Clean is a cleanliness nut! She's a member of Vacuumers
Anonymous!

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MRS. CLEAN
Mary McBride
24/OCT/1964
She's really a nag.  She makes him cut grass, trim around the trees,
prune out dead limbs - when they spend the night at a campsite.

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MRS. CLEAN
Orben
17/DEC/1979
Mrs. Clean the fanatical housekeeper.  When the smoke alarm goes off:
Her husband calls the Fire Department and she dusts.

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MRS. CLEAN
L.E. PETERS
13/SEP/1979
I TOLD THE WOMAN NEXT DOOR (MRS. CLEAN) I LIVE WITH AN
OLD GOAT AND SHE CALLED THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.

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MRS. CLEAN
Orben's
22/OCT/1973

Mrs. Clean-Nervous?-- She can thread a sewing while it's running.

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Housekeeping - Mrs. Clean
Lydia Olson
20/JAN/1978

Mrs. Clean (was so clean that) she had a placque on her front door that
read, "The muck stops here!"

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MRS. CLEAN
Ellen Hildreth
02/MAR/1978
You've heard about my neighbor: Mrs. Clean. She was attacked and,
instead of "rape", she yelled "ring around the collar!"

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MRS. CLEAN
Patricia Daniels. John Cantu
21/FEB/1978
Her daughter is studying swimming - she wants to be a hooker in
Venice------- Her son want to be an Avon Lady.

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Mrs. Clean: Housekeeping
Lydia Olson
20/JAN/1978
Everything in Mrs. Clean's house is covered with plastic including her.

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MRS. CLEAN
Orben Gags
SEP/1976
Mrs. Clean's kids have a tree house -- with an elevator = they wouldn't
dare get theri pants dirty!

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Mrs. Clean
Olson
1977
Oh, that Mrs. Clean is so perfect. She came over to my house and
actually fainted because my Kleenex didn't match my bedspread.

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Mrs. Clean
Orben Gags
Apr/1976
Mrs. Clean keeps two cans of Pledge in the house. That's in case one
gets dusty and she wants to clean it.

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Mrs. Clean
Edward R. Canaan
18/Aug/1971
Mrs. Clean is so neat ... she folds the garbage.

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MRS. CLEAN
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
21/Jun/1984

Mrs. Clean - she combs sauerkraut?

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Mrs. Clean
R.L. Parker
21 JUN 1967
Clean, clean, all day long - I get so tired - watching my neighbor clean

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MRS. CLEAN
Eddie Hubbard
Feb/1976

Mrs. Clean went on that grapefruit diet. She didn't lose any weight, but
she went from a size 16 down to size 8-- she got puckered from the
inside.

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Mrs. Clean
Owen Helms
Oct/1975
Mrs. Clean is so neat, if she committed suicide she'd spray her hair with
"Pam" before she stuck her head in the oven.

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Mrs. Clean
James Kahlert
30/SEP/1974
Mrs. Clean's son is an Avon Lady.

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Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
17/FEB/1972
Mrs. Clean - She's so phoney. She says she speaks German -- "Ve
gates," "danke schoen," "ein, zvi, dri, fear, fimff, Michelob ..."

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
10/MAR/1967

I can't seem to get away from the Mrs. Cleans of the world.  One time an
Irish family moved in next door and I thought Aha I'm saved - but their
name was O'Clean.

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
10/Mar/1967

After meeting her I'm not at all sure that it was St. Patrick who drove the
snakes out of Ireland.

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
19/MAR/1968

Mrs. Clean couldn't have a Blue Monday - she bleaches them.

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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
10/Jan/1968

Mrs. Clean was runner-up Miss America.  Runner up Mrs. America and
last year, runner up Mother of the Year.  I told Fang, she's a real loser.

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Mrs. Clean
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
23/MAR/1967
She dusts the keyhole before inserting the key.

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Mrs. Clean
Leona W. Toppel
27/SEP/1967
Mrs. Clean is such a goody-good.. It sure saves her a lot of money on
her electric bill...she reads from the light of her halo.

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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
06/NOV/1967
You know about my neighbor, Mrs. Clean, she dusts her roof.

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Mrs. Clean
Dan Deuker
21/May/1965
Confidentially, the garbage man told me that Mrs. Clean washes her
garbage - and he wanted to know if it would be asking too much for me
to put mine in a can.

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Mrs. Clean
Dorothy Reynolds
06/JUN/1965
My neighbor, Mrs. Clean, is always bragging about how intelligent their
dog is.  When they don't want the dog to know what they're talking
about, they spell it.  Last time I was over there she said: "Shhh. The dog
is listening!"

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Mrs Clean
Dorothy Reynolds
19/JUL/1967
But she is so jealous she won't let her husband eat Girl Scout cookies.

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
She hates to see an unmade bed so she makes her kids sleep
[[underline]]under[[/underline]] the bed.

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
Once she found a cobweb in the house and had it arrested.

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967

She not only makes the kids take off their shoes when they come in the
house - she peels the first layer of skin off the bottom of their feet.

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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
27/SEP/1967
(Mrs. Clean) She's getting a smart mouth. The other day she was
washing her car and to be friendly I yelled over, "How about washing
another beat up old wreck?" And she said, "Sure, put on your bathing
suit."

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MRS. CLEAN
DELAINE HELWIG
27/SEP/1967

(Mrs. Clean)  She was laid up for a while - fell out of a tree while she
was waxing the leaves.

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MRS. CLEAN
DELAINE HELWIG
27/SEP/1967

Even her dirt is clean.

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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
27/SEP/1967
She keeps her kids so shined up they hurt your eyes.

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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
06/NOV/1967
Mrs. Clean came over today.  I had borrowed something and forgot to
return it.  Her maid.

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Mrs. Clean
Dorothy Reynolds
11/DEC/1967
She is so fussy she irons prunes.

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MRS. CLEAN
DOROTHY BORRILLO
11/DEC/1967

Mrs. Clean puts clean clothes on her kid [[underlined]]every
hour[[/underlined]].  He got lost one day and nobody could remember
what he was wearing.

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Mrs. Clean
Mr. Wilfred Beaver
08/Jul/1964

At least she's clean - everything tasted of soap.

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Mrs. Clean
R. L. Parker
21/JUN/1967
She bought a new vacuum cleaner. Before she could use it she had to
borrow a cup of dirt.

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Mrs. Clean
R.L. Parker
21/Jun/1967

She stopped taking the newspaper because of the dirt in Sheila
Graham's column.

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Mrs. Clean
R. L. Parker
21/Jun/1967

She takes a bath in distilled water.  And wears rubber gloves.  That's
when she's getting ready to take a shower.  (She takes a bath to get
ready for her shower.)

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Mrs. Clean
R. L. Parker
21/JUN/1967

Before she'll take a drink she washes the water.

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Mrs. Clean
Verna Brierly
31/OCT/1964
Her yard is so clean that the flowers don't dare drop any pollen - They
have to keep going "snif" all day!

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Mrs. Clean
Ed Caufield
09/OCT/1964
Talk about cleanliness, she's a fanatic. To her Mr. Clean is just a dirty
old man.

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MRS. CLEAN
ED CAUFIELD
09/OCT/1964

Her husband pleaded with her to cut down.  She was going through a
case of soap a week.  He finally got her down to 4 bars a day when he
discovered 6 cakes of Sweetheart hidden in the chandelier.  She was
actually hooked on soap.

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Mrs. Clean
Violette Sealock
07/NOV/1964
She's so germ conscious she tried to sterilize the ice cubes.

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Mrs. Clean
Doni Scott
07/NOV/1967
She's a compulsive mover.  When she goes out, she rearranges the
furniture in the ladies' room.

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Mrs. Clean
Bev Lewin
31/OCT/1964
Living next door to a fastidious house-keeper is the worst thing that can
happen to a woman like me. This woman is so meticulous, that she had
the poison ivy behind her house re-planted in rows.

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Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Charles J. Marking
08/APR/1964
She repairs stoves, repairs T.V., hang storm windows, asphalts her
drive, caulks her bathtub, augers her toilet and just about everything
imaginable... she has a set of tools that would put an engineer to
shame!  You never see her but she is lugging a step ladder or hanging
from her TV tower.  Last year I bought her a truss so she'd be prepared
after all of this heavy lifting.

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Mrs. Clean
Marjorie R. Simons
23/APR/1964
My neighbor is so neat.  She wouldn't think of buying Swiss cheese.
The thought of putting anything on the table with holes in it.  She'd patch
it!

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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
10/JAN/1968
Mrs. Clean came over to borrow my electric carving knife. She had to
wait until Fang was through with his poached eggs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
10/Jan/1968

Mrs. Clean:  She taught her dog to gargle so he wouldn't spread germs
when it barked.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
BILL DALEY
10/JAN/1968

Mrs. Clean's been clothing and feeding her family on $25 a week.  She
raises her own vegetables, she bakes, she sews and she steals.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
10/Jan/1968

Mrs. Clean doesn't even let her husband turn on the TV set. She says
the "click" raises dust.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
10/JAN/1968
He's allowed to smoke but only in one spot. The fireplace.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Mr. Bill Daley
26/APR/1968
Mrs. Clean and I had a race to see who could clean their house the
fastest. She won, but she cheated. She got out of bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
Later she bent over and picked up some dirt.  She said, "You'll never
grow anything here, dear, your soil's not rich enough."  We were in the
living room.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
I had a visit the other day from little Mrs. Perfect, the head of our garden
club.  She said, "My, what an adorable miniature rock garden."  I said,
"That's my dinner."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
24/MAR/1966
This woman is so spotless she forbade her children to get the measles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
24/MAR/1966
She washes the soap.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Dick Schweitzer
07/DEC/1963

Talk about particular... every nail in his house had a manicure before it
was hammered in.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
The internal revenue ruined April - and you just messed up May.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
29/SEP/1971
Mrs. Clean won't even have a pet because she's afraid of poop.  She
walks a battery dog.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Lincoln Haynes
18/AUG/1971
Mrs. Clean is in the hospital.  Nothing serious... just a routine crack-up.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
J. Cutting
20/APR/1971
If somebody gives Mrs. Clean a dirty look, she takes a bath.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Everytime I visit the woman next door -- she sprays the room!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Bob Besch
15/FEB/1971
Mrs. Clean is a widow. Her husband came home smashed one night
and passed out on the piano bench. The next morning she accidentally
polished him to death.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
John Y. Paschall
14/JUL/1970
Mrs. Clean said my kitchen was giving off fumes that were outlawed at
the Geneva Convention.  I told her I was just cooking a pot roast.  She
said, "Well, you must be using a smudge pot."  The next time she comes
over I'm going to cut the hose on her gas mask.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Gladys Chapman
14/JUL/1970
MRS. CLEAN: She put curtains in the dog's house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Gladys Chapman
14/JUL/1970
MRS. CLEAN: Wallpapered her garbage can.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Gladys Chapman
14/JUL/1970
MRS. CLEAN: Bathes her goldfish.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Gladys Chapman
14/JUL/1970
MRS. CLEAN: Her rock garden is made of soap stone.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bob Besch
23/JUN/1970
Mrs. Clean - A real busybody.  Doesn't miss a thing!  You think
Pinnochio had nose trouble.  She's always behind a curtain looking... or
listening.  She's the only woman I know who can pucker her ear.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
BOB BESCH
23/JUN/1970

Mrs. Clean - You've seen a beanie with a propeller on top - her hat has
a radar scanner on it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bob Besch
23/JUN/1970
So I decided to give her something to talk about!  I went out in the back
yard and swam in the nude for three hours!  We don't have a pool, so I
had to fake it with a big washtub... standing up.  The next morning she
called to tell me our rubber plant was dead.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
08/JUN/1970
She is such a perfectionist ... she won't get an overseas flight until her
life jacket is fitted.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Eleanor Graham
12/NOV/1969
Mrs. Clean had a nightmare ... dreamt she moved to the "dust-bowl".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bruce Taylor
14/AUG/1969
Mrs. Clean borrowed three bags of garbage from me so she would have
something to give the garbage man.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MRS. CLEAN
ELEANOR GRAHAM
29/JUL/1969

Mrs. Clean told me I had bad breath ... and I was talking to her on the
phone!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
BILL DALEY
15/JUL/1969

Mrs. Clean reported Fang to the Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals.  All Fang did was bite her chihuahua on the nose.  He thought
it was a cork.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Dorothy Borrillow
19/MAY/1969
Mrs. Clean: When she carves a turkey she wears a mask and surgical
gloves.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
15/JAN/1969
This dame has a problem - she's a soap addict.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Delaine Helwig
15/JAN/1969
She won't celebrate Christmas if it isn't white.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Bud Tenerani
16/Aug/1968
Exercise is not for me.  I exercised for 3 minutes, hung my suit on the
clothes line and Mrs. Clean reported me for air pollution.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Joyce A. Massahos
21/AUG/1968
I've never beaten Mrs. Clean at anything, but, come December I'm going
to be a jump ahead of her. I already have my Christmas tree up! The
truth is, I haven't taken it down from last Christmas. I haven't taken it
down because I don't want to disturb the birds who are nesting in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Dolores Houser
17/JUL/1969
I was vacuuming the drapes one day - I first knocked out the picture
window so Mrs. Clean could see me - and one of my kids yells, "You've
killed Charlie!" I said, "Who's Charlie?" She said, "That's my
chameleon."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Ople Hoffman
04/SEP/1968
Mrs. Clean always looks like she just came out of a Salon.  I look like I
just crawled out of a Saloon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
26/SEP/1968

Mrs. Clean gets up at 6 o'clock every morning just to sweep off her
porch. Fang never seems to make it all the way home.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
26/SEP/1968

Mrs. Clean is having a lot of trouble with her house. Our house is
leaning on it.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Mrs. Joyce A. Massahos
26/JUL/1968

Mrs. Clean cuts her lawn with a comb and scissors.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
Unknown

Mrs. Clean never has a hair out of place. --She's bald -- I mean on her
chest.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Dorothy Reynolds
28/JUN/1965

My neighbor is so neat she even irons money before she puts it in her
purse. Polishes the coins.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
28/MAY/1968
Mrs. Clean says, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." And I say,
"Cleanliness is next to impossible."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

MRS. CLEAN
BILL DALEY
28/MAY/1968

Mrs. Clean goes around bragging that she's never put dirty underwear
on her kids.  Well, I can say that I never put dirty underwear on her kids
either.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965

She hasn't liked me since the day I yelled at my kids and her picture
window broke.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
She's unbeatable at bridge. Last night when she bid her third grand
slam, I got so mad I doubled her. That shook her up. I was her partner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Dorothy Reynolds
31/JUL/1967

Mrs. Clean hates waste.  She's upset because airports have long
runaways and planes only use half of it when they depart.

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Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
She was so clean she scrubs her soap.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964

Her breath is so bad and behind her ears it smells so good. Mr. Clean.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965

Of course she collects very expensive paintings. She leans to Old
masters. I lean too because of old Taylors.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965

I served my own home made wine. 2 glasses and little Mrs. Perfect fell
flat on her face. I saw the whole thing from where I was lying.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Everytime I visit the woman next door -- she sprays the room!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Dorothy Reynolds
31/JUL/1967
Mrs. Clean is so particular, after she drinks water she lets her tongue
hang out to dry.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Ople Hoffman
29/MAR/1965
My neighbor is so neat, she braids spaghetti.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
We were invited over to Mrs. Clean's for dinner. Fang's table manners
were disgusting. He ate everything.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
Monday we had the same schedule. Drive kids to school, groceries,
beauty parlor. She was home at noon, and I was still looking for the keys
to my car. They were right where I left them. In the oven.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
I keep up with her in some ways.  We both put our meals on the table at
7 p.m. sharp.  Of course, I'm serving breakfast.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
Her lawn is cleaner than my carpet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
We spent an hour in our gardens today. She was pruning and I was
looking for my car.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/Mar/1965

No, her kids are perfect, really. 3 boys and 2 girls.  But you can't tell
which is which.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/Mar/1965

Of course her kids look like you'd expect Mrs. Clean's kids to look.
They're bald.

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Ople Hoffman
29/Mar/1965
My neighbor is so neat, she braids spaghetti.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
Mrs. Clean still lives next door to me. I snooped around and found out
why her laundry looks so much whiter than mine.  She washes it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gags
07/FEB/1980
Mrs. Clean thinks a vacuum cleaner is a recreational vehicle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

MRS. CLEAN
Robert Bruce
APR/1983
Mrs. Clean - the woman next door to me is so obsessed with
housecleaning, she not only washes the windows - she irons them.

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Mrs. Clean
Mel Loftus
JAN/1983

My neighbor, Mrs. Clean, you talk about fastidious! She's on her tenth
mile of dental floss this week.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
ORBEN
21/OCT/1981

The only way she's going to get to Heaven -- is to die under an assumed
name.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Patricia Daniels, John Cantu
21/FEB/1978

Her daughter is studying swimming - she wants to be a hooker in
Venice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Lydia Olson
MAY/1977

Oh, that Mrs. Clean is so perfect. She came over to my house and
actually fainted because my Kleenex didn't match my bedspread.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Patricia Daniels. John Cantu
21/FEB/1978
Her son wants to be an Avon Lady.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Donald J. Nolan
24/OCT/1972
I have a neighbor who spends 24 hours trying to keep the house clean
... I finally told her to go home.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Mrs. Clean
Phyllis Gag
03/JUL/1970
Mrs Clean: She makes great meals ... she makes her own clothes ...
she makes all their furniture ... she makes me sick!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
PHil Moss
OCT/1975
I thought--I'll be nice to Mrs. Clean and see if that works, so I invited her
to my house for a sandwich. When she got there- I couldn't find it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Phil Moss
OCT/1975
I went next door to visit Mrs. Clean, started to sit down on her sofa---she
made me sit in the fireplace-it was lit!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Orben
JUN/1975
Mrs. Clean is such a fanatic housekeeper-- when the Saints come
marching in, they better wipe their feet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
PD
FEB/1975
Mrs. Clean having a routine crack-up.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MRS. CLEAN
Michael Landrum
18/SEP/1972
If there is anything to reincarnation -- she'll come back as a Brillo pad.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MYTHICAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER PHOEBE
Gene Perret
27/MAY/1982
My great great grandmother was responsible for single-handedly wiping
out a whole tribe of apaches.  They captured her and made her cook.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MYTHICAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER PHOEBE
Marjorie R. Simons
25/OCT/1963
I got prematurely gray and bald at the same time -- That was when I was
one hundred.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MYTHICAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER PHOEBE
Marjorie R. Simons
25/OCT/1963
A new love interest is just what I need to keep me ticking -- by gum, I'll
have to dig me up a new husband.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MYTHICAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER PHOEBE
Marjorie R. Simons
25/OCT/1963
My great grandchildren asked me how I like the Bikini. I said, "Fine -- if I
was five years younger, I'd wear one."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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MYTHICAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER PHOEBE
Marjorie R. Simons
25/OCT/1963
I take my water bottle to bed with me every night -- with my hot toddy in
it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NASA
CURRENT COMEDY
13/AUG/1990
NASA HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO EXPLAIN ITS RECENT
TECHNICAL DIFFCULTIES-- BUT THEY COULDN'T GET THE
MICROPHONE TO WORK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NASTY PERSON
Londos D'Arrigo
20/DEC/1982
Sure she's middle-aged. If she lives to be 170/

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NASTY PERSON
Londos D'Arrigo
20/DEC/1982
The Pope told her to go to hell

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
Buddy Baron
21/OCT/1991
RUSSIANS TO GET VIDEOTAPES OF MISS AMERICA
PAGEANT...THEY"VE NEVER SEEN BEAUTY QUEENS WITHOUT
FACIAL HAIR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
Orben Gags
JUL/1977
They're coming out with a sit-com about a Chinese laundry. It's going to
be called THE SHEETS OF SAN FRANCISCO.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

I just figured out why so many oil sheikhs have Cadillacs.  Have you
ever tried to air-condition a camel?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
INDIANS
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

1492 is a memorable date for the American Indian.  It's the year he
became a foreigner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
PHYLLIS GAG
MAR/1976

New Russian drink:  borscht and vodka -- Moon Shot---if you don't hit it
tonight you may pass it coming home.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
ORBEN GAGS
JUN/1978

I just bought a second hand car that was previously owned by a little old
Saudi-Arabian who only used it to go to the bank.  It has 187,000 miles
on it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
PHYLLIS GAGS
MAR/1976

The reason the Italians lay on too much pedal --- they're so used to
pressing grapes with their feet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

I don't know what the Indians are always complaining about.  They don't
want New York City now.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

I paid 13 cents to mail a letter.  The Arabs bought the Post Office.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
L.E. PETERS
JUN/1979

I'm blend of nationalities--in other words, a mixed bag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
LYDIA OLSON
JUL/1977

Hollywood is crawling with Swamis!  My milkman is a Guru!  I don't know
how in the hell he delivers milk with his legs crossed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
ORBEN GAGS
16/MAR/1978

Secretary Califano gave up smoking two years ago and nothing is worse
than a reformed sinner.  Yesterday he spent three hours trying to
convince a fella to stop smoking.  Califano said, "Look at your fingers.
They're yellow."  The guy said, "I know. I'm Chinese!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
MCGEE & NERAD
JUN/1978

You can always tell the members of an illegal alien convention--they're
the ones swimming across the fountains.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
BILL MCGEE & JACK NERAD
MARCH/1979

It wasn't hard to recognize the Red Chinese.  I mean six hundred million
people all wearing the same suit?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
PHYLLIS GAG
MAR/1979

The only problem with Irish acts - they only work once a year.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES-
LATINOS
COMEDY/UPDATE
MAR/1979

Never eat in a Mexican restaurant where the waiters wear gas masks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES-
CHINESE
ED PETERS
APR/1979

It's incredible how many Chinese there are!  They're looking for an
embassy in Washington that sleeps a million.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
COMEDY/UPDATE
MAY/1979

One potato, two potato.  Thanksgiving Day in Moscow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
COMEDY/UPDATE
MAY/1979

That Russian defector spent $5,000 a month while he was with that
escort date.  That was $4,000 a month for her and $1,000 for oysters.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
PHYLLIS GAG
FEB/1981

Names:  Harry McQuistion
Me:     What's your excuse
He:     Scotch-Irish
She:    May I see your tartan?  Or is it too soon to ask?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1981
Cheap Mexican restaurant - the cook has a cloth tied around his neck -
it's a Barf Scarf.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES-
JAPANESE
PHYLLIS GAGS
3/AUG/1981

Everything yellows with age - I had an aunt - turned into a Jap - we
called her Aunt Mustard.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
Betty Thomas
JAN/1982
I said: "What's your nationality?" She said, "Prune-Danish."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
TOM PEREW
25/JAN/1982

Charo hasn't forgotten her roots.  She signs autographs with spray paint.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
GAG BONANZA
JAN/1982
Italian train announcer: "Venice, anyone?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
GAG BONANZA
JAN/1982

For Christmas I'd like a sleek Italian sport car -- with the Italian sport still
in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
Gag Bonanza
JAN/1982
Have you tasted the veal scallopine? The chef told me he got the recipe
from an old Italian family. I think it was the Borgias.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
GAG BONANZA
JAN/1982

Fang says - if he had it to do over again - he'd marry a Japanese girl.
They're pretty, graceful, obedient, attentive -- and your mother-in-law's in
Yokohama.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
STEVE SHROTT
14/APR/1982

The Mexicans have a lot of interesting traditions, like the nap in the
middle of the day.  It's called a Siesta.  We call it Congress.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1982
Eskimo comes home from hard days work - fishing all day - wife sitting
in the middle of the igloo - crying - He says: "What's wrong?" She says:
"My mother died." He slaps her - "Why did you do that?" He says: "I told
you - never make me laugh - when my lips are chapped."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES-
ITALIAN
REGINA KLUGH
AUG/1982

Italian children never go to Ivy League colletes because they spend
sixteen years in the first grade and enough's enough!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATIONALITIES: ITALIAN
Regina Klugh
AUG/1982
There is no Italian of record who looks natural with a tennis racket in
hand (Unless he's using it to strain his linguine).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Nationalities
Orben's Current Comedy
01/JUN/1983

The Chinese are very concerned about birth control. All newlyweds are
required to sleep in twin beds. one bed is in Peking and the other is in
Shanghai.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NATURAL DISASTER
PHYLLIS DILLER
02/JUL/1990

Q: WHERE IS THE SAFEST PLACE TO STAND DURING AN
EARTHQUAKE?

A: NEW YORK!!!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/Mar/1968
Folks, I can hardly wait to get back to my hometown ... the island of
California.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

Look! I love the Pacific Ocean but I wouldn't want to live there.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/Mar/1968

If California was to fall into the ocean, it would be a terrible blow to those
people who went out and bought 50 star flags.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

How do you like that ... our country is only 200 years old and wearing
out already.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

Disneyland may change its name to The Good Ship Lollipop!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene PErret
13/MAR/1968

I don't know if California is going to float away ... but I do know Reagan
raised the taxes to buy an anchor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/Mar/1968

If California does break off, is Ronald Reagan Governor or Captain?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

As the state floats away Liz Taylor should be ecstatic.  This is her
chance to divorce the whole country at once.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/Mar/1968

Fang shouldn't worry if we fall into the ocean. He'd just do the dead
man's float. He's been doing it for the past 10 years without water.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

I wear my water wings everywhere. You ought to see me in water wings.
I look like Frank Gorshin doing an imitation of Raquel Welch.

Re: L.A. Floods

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/Mar/1968

Phyllis Diller ... that's a life jacket that makes you look like me. It doesn't
help you swim, but the sharks go after somebody with more meat. I'm so
flat chested, on me a 'Mae West' looks like an 'Audrey Hepburn'.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

The hippies are scared to death about falling into the ocean. You know
how they hate water.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

L.A. FLOODS
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

It's got them quite concerned. They just don't know if flower power will
work the same with sea weed.

Re: L.A. Floods and Falling into Ocean

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

L.A. Floods
Gene Perret
13/MAR/1968

Everybody's scared.  Ronald Reagan sent a telegram to the Secretary of
the Navy. "Is it obligatory that a Governor go down with his State?"

Re: L.A. Floods

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS FUNNYSTUFF
unknown
15/MAR/1993

MAHAMMED SALAMEH, THE MAN WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR
BOMBING THE WORLD TRADE CENTER, SAID THAT THE WHOLE
THING WAS STAGED BY NBC NEWS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS / CURRENT COMEDY
UNKNOWN
07/SEP/1992

A TABLOID [[underline]] SOURCE: [[/underline]] A 94-YEAR OLD
PREGNANT MARTIAN WHO'S CARRYING ELVIS'S LOVE CHILD.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
04/JAN/1993
McDONALD'S HAS ANNOUNCED THAT IT'S WORKING ON A
MEATLESS BURGER...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
unknown
13/JAN/1992

Ted Turner has been voted "Man of the Year" by Time Mag and Jane
Fonda.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
Current Comedy
unknown
20/MAY/1991
A SEVEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD FOR A HANDGUN IS A GREAT
IDEA. THINK HOW WELL THE NINE-MONTH WAITING PERIOD TO
HAVE A BABY WORKED OUT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Currentn Comedy
25/MAR/1991

MUD SLIDES ARE A MAJOR PROBLEM IN CALIFORNIA. EVERY
TIME IT RAINS, YOU GET A NEW ZIP CODE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Current Comedy
25/MAR/1991

ACCORDING TO RECENT CENSUS DATA, NEW JERSEY HAS THE
DENSEST POPULATION. THEY ALSO HAVE THE MOST PEOPLE
PER SQUARE MILE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Current Comedy
8/APR/1991

THE NRA IS AGAINST A SEVEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD FOR
HANDGUNS. THEY'RE AFRAID THAT IF YOU WAIT SEVEN DAYS,
YOU'LL FORGET WHO YOU WANTED TO SHOOT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

NEWS
Current Comedy

13/OCT/1989

ANTHROPOLOGISTS CLAIM THAT HUMANS EVOLVED IN AFRICA,
MIGRATED TO THE MIDDLE EAST, TRAVELED TO EUROPE,
VENTURED INTO AMERICA AND EVENTUALLY RETIRED IN FORT
LAUDERDALE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
Current Comedy
13/OCT/1989
THE GUY WHO PLANNED THE PANAMANIAN COUP PRODUCED
[[underlined]] ISHTAR[[/underlined]].

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Current Comedy
14/AUG/1989

TWENTY YEARS AGO, MEN LANDED ON THE MOON. YESTERDAY,
THEIR LUGGAGE ARRIVED.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Current Comedy
26/FEB/1990

ONE MORE OIL SPILL AND YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHECK HIGH TIDE
AND LOW TIDE WITH A DIP STICK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
Current Comedy
23/SEP/1991
"A scientist has invented a robot that does absolutely nothing. It may put
thousands of Federal employees out of work."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
23/SEPT/1991

Two large regions have changed their names.  Leningrad is now St.
Petersburg and Roseanne Barr is now Roseanne Arnold.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Current Comedy
23/SEP/1991

ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY, THE MOST POPULAR
AMERICAN COMEDIES ARE THE COSBY SHOW, CHEERS, AND
CONGRESS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
4/FEB/1991

The National Enquirer just ran their Most Sensational headline ever --
"Elvis Is Dead."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
24/SEP/1990
I'VE BEEN READING UP ON THAT HOLE IN THE OZONE LAYER.
CHICKEN LITTLE WAS RIGHT!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
24/SEPT/1990

Our leaders are not doing enough to protect the environment.  I'm not so
worried about the "Greenhouse Effect" as I am the "Whitehouse Effect."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
24/SEP/1990

PETE ROSE HAS SUFFERED A GREAT INDIGNITY WHILE IN
PRISION-- HE WAS FORCED TO GET A GOOD HAIRCUT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
27/AUG/1990
PEOPLE IN ICELAND HAVE A LONGER LIFE EXPECTANCY THAN
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES. DUE TO REFRIGERATION.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BY THE WAY
CURRENT COMEDY
11/SEP/1990

Yesterday's nest egg is today's chicken feed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
PHYLLIS DILLER
02/JUN/1990
WHILE WE ARE HERE ENJOYING OURSELVES- THERE ARE
SERIOUS PROBLEMS FACING THE WORLD- POVERTY-WORLD
HUNGER- AIDS- AND JACK CARTER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
22/OCT/1990

DRUG USE IN THE WORKPLACE IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.  A
METEOROLOGIST GOT SO STONED, HE PREDICTED THE
WEATHER CORRECTLY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
22/OCT/1990

IN NEW YORK CITY IF POLICE SEARCH YOUR CAR FOR
WEAPONS AND DON'T FIND ANY--THEY GIVE YOU ONE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
BUDDY BARON
16/MAY/1989

The haven't used the White House beauty parlor as a kennel since
Roselyn Carter was First Lady....

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURENT [sic] COMEDY
29/JAN/1990

If these military cutbacks continue, the Pentagon might be downgraded
to a rectangle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
29/JAN/1990

If things get any more tense in Azerbaijani, Gorbachev might really play
rough and send in the Soviet wommen's gymnastic team.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
13/OCT/1989

The guy planned the Panamanian coup produced [[/underscore]] Ishtar
[[/end underscore]]

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
26/FEB/1990

One more oil spill and you'll be able to check high tide and low tide with
a dip stick.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS: CURRENT COMEDY
unknown
29/MAY/1989

Mikhail Gorbachev only makes about $22,000 a year. But that money
goes a long way because the Russian stores don't have anything to sell.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Orben's Current Comedy
08/JAN/1986

The Seven O'Clock News had a special report on Washington D.C. and
it was so discouraging. All those strange people sitting around on park
benches, staring into space, talking gibberish, and always asking for
money. Sometimes I wonder why we keep electing them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Brad Dickson
11/JUL/1985

After 40 years of Fang, KLAUS VON BULOW'S starting to look good.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

News
PHYLLIS DILLER
20/MAR/1983

All the news is slanted - even in the bible - the people who were for the
fish - said: Noah gave him indigestion - the people who were for Noah -
said: It was a terrible trip!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Phyllis Gag
19/FEB/1981

I watch the news in case someone interesting has died - of course - no-
one interesting is ever "born" - except Christ.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
ORBEN
JUN/1981

After listening to the Six O'Clock News, I didn't think there'd be a Ten
O'Clock News.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Orben's
23/SEP/1979

The only exercise I get is shaking my head while watching the Seven
O'Clock News.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

News
Orben
10/SEP/1979
We have good news and bad news from Florida this week. The good
news is, for the first time people are going 55 miles an hour. The bad
news is, it's in houses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS FLASH
Orben Gags
JUN/1979

Late-breaking item: Flooding continues in Mississippi, texas and Beverly
Hills. A Perrier truck sprang a leak.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

News Flashes you may have missed while you were here.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26/JAN/1978
20 steeple jacks walk off the job. Three miss the net.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

Rare photo found showing Farrah Fawcett with her mouth closed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26 Jan 1978
Doctor advises couple with 18 children to try Ovaltine.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26/JAN/1978
Grandma Moses arrested for burning a bush and leading the Israelites
out of the Desert Inn.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1976
If there is a God, then why is the 6 O'Clock news bad?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Orben Gags
April/1976

I watch the Five O'Clock News, the Six O'Clock News, and the Seven
O'Clock News. I keep hoping it'll get better.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS
Orgen Gags
APR/1976
It's a little discouraging when you watch a one hour news program and
the only word of hope you hear is is a commercial for Preparation H.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Orben Gags
APR/1976

If you're looking for something to scare you right down to the tips of your
shoes: You don't have to go see JAWS--- Just tune in the Six O'Clock
News!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS FLASHES
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1976
(Re: newscasters etc. Rona Barrett, Howard Kosell) It doesn't matter
how badly you read, if you have a "style".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Orben Gag
APR/1978

Isn't is amazing how Barbara Walters can get one million dollars when
most of the news isn't worth two cents.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
07/SEP/1992

A [[insertion]] TABLOID [[/insertion]] SOURCE: A 94-YEAR-OLD
PREGNANT MARTIAN WHO'S CARRYING ELVIS'S LOVE CHILD.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
CURRENT COMEDY
07/SEP/1992

IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER FOR UNDECIDED VOTERS
TO MAKE UP THEIR MINDS. FEWER AND FEWER OF THEM HAVE A
COIN TO TOSS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS
Comedy/Update
03/AUG/1979

You show me a person who follows the news and I'll show you a guy
who buys Valium by the six-pack.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

NEWS FLASHES
Orben Gags
APR/1976
The man who invented the pogo stick just died.  He was buried on
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

Indian midget resents being low man on the Totem Pole. Shoots arrow
into Chief's knee.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NEWS FLASHES
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

Rare photo found showing Farrah Fawcett with a crew cut.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
26/JAN/1978

Many celebrities were invited to attend this affair, but none of them
showed up.  However, they all had good reasons why they couldn't be
here.  Here's why:

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
26/JAN/1978

John Davidson had to go in for a dimple fitting.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
26/JAN/1978

Rich Little decided he'd be Robert Goulet, and just stay home and look
in the mirror.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 07:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
26/JAN/1978

Frank Sinatra is receiving a "Swell Guy" award from the Newspaper
Editors Association.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
26/JAN/1978

Perry Como is awaiting the results of his rigor mortis tests.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
27/JAN/1978

Perry Como is learning how to spill soup on himself, so he can sue a
busboy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

ARCHIE BUNKER is addressing the United Jewish Appeal dinner, in
Arabic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
John Shea
26/JAN/1978
STEVE ALLEN is writing the music for a new tennis album, titled
"Singalong with Goolagong.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

DANNY THOMAS is taking a praying mantis to a novena.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

DEAN MARTIN is singing "Everybody loves Somebody Sometime," in a
home for unwed mothers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

JACKIE GLEASON had a dog painted on his side, and is working as a
cross-country bus.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
JOHN SHEA
27/JAN/1978

SAMMY DAVIS, JR. is doing his entire act inside Captain Kangaroo's
pouch.

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NO SHOWS
John Shea
26/JAN/1978

GEORGIE JESSEL put his false teeth in upside down and bit off his lips!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NO SHOWS
John Shea
23/FEB/1978

Doris Day is slipping an irritated porcupine into a dogcatcher's jockey
shorts.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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NURSE
PHYLLIS DILLER
02/JUN/1990

MRS. CLEAN AND (UGLY GIRL) SHE HAS A IDENTICAL TWIN-- BUT
YOU CAN TELL THEM APART, HER BROTHER HAS A MOLE ON HIS
CHEEK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS: (Lawyer)
Orbens Current Comedy
19/OCT/1982

Our speaker is an attorney -- someone who is dedicated to life, liberty
and the law suit of happiness.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS (Lawyer)
Jeff Sawyer
Sept/1982

Mine was the first lawyer to get a client the death sentence on "People's
Court."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
ORBEN
2/JUN/1982

I always try to provide sound, reasoned, mature guidance for my kids.
For instance, my son can't decide whether to be a professional baseball
player or a comedian. I told him to stick to baseball. He can always play
for the (CELLAR TEAM) and have the best of both worlds.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Bob Steinmetz
14/APR/1982
They used to hire stewardesses for their looks. These days Godzilla
could get a job!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Janice Meason
31/JAN/1982

(REAGAN) Ronnie's son is a ballet dancer -- he skips to work.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS (Plastic Surgeon)
Lydia Olson
03/AUG/1981

Plastic surgeons are sprouting up like mushrooms all over California.  I
call it "The Invasion of the Body-Patchers."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS-
SURGEON
CAROLYN A. GAMMEL
3/AUG/1981

The scrub suits worn by doctors while performing surgery have pockets
on both the inside and outside of their shirts and pants.  This is so they
don't have to worry about which is the right and wrong side of their
clothes.  Can you imagine going to college for 12 years and still not
being able to put your pants on the right way.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS (Surgeon)
Carolyn A. Gammel
03/AUG/1981

How safe can you be in an operating room with a man in charge that
has trouble dressing himself?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS: Surgeon
Carolyn A. Gammel
03/AUG/1981

I ask you, can you really trust your life to a man that doesn't even know
how to put on his pants?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS: Surgeon
Carolyn A. Gammel
03/AUG/1981

My doctor told me the other day that I should have an operation but of
course, I didn't have any confidence in his advice. So I wanted a second
opinion. On my way home, I asked my bus driver what he thought.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
L.E. Peters
JUL/1979
I used to work for a newspaper. I had a very good corner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Orben's
22/OCT/1973

How about that slogan the grave diggers used to get a pay boost? "No
one will be lowered until we're raised!"

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OCCUPATIONS
Cheap Laughs
14/SEP/1979
I'll tell you what makes me nervous. My butcher moonlights. He's the
dog catcher.

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OCCUPATIONS
Comedy/Update
JUN/1979
Inflation affects everybody. My psychiatrist is moonlighting. At his group
therapy sessions, he sells Tupperware.

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OCCUPATION
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979

Frankly, I don't envy Johnny Carson. Imagine a job where if you want to
goof off and skip work, 20 million people know about it.

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OCCUPATIONS
Comedy/Update
May/1979

Did you hear about the psychiatrist that specializes in schizophrenia?
Has two couches.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Ellen Hildreth
02/MAR/1978

She brags about her husband being a plastic surgeon. He repairs
Tupperware!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Phyllis Diller
14/MAR/1978
May an overwrought school teacher have an affair with your thumb.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS (ADAPT TO YOUR OWN): Comedy/Update
unknown
10/MAR/1978

A recent survey shows that 70% of the world's population are mentally
stable, but 15% are either in mental institutions or being treated by a
psychiatrist. The other 10% are TV network executives.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1976

She's so old that - she remembers when a "straight man" was someone
who worked with a comic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

Have you noticed how some of the great strippers of the 1940's are still
around and working today?  One of them is so old she has to use
corrective tassels!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Orben Gags
APR/1976
Women sportwriters have two big problems. The first big problem is how
to get into the men's lockerroom. The second big problem is how to get
[[underlined]] out [[/underlined]] of the lockerroom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OCCUPATIONS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

Candles story - medium.

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OCCUPATIONS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Lists ... advertising superlatives. Copywriter at KROW

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OFFICES
R. ORBEN
13/FEB/1989
THE CHAPTER ON IRANGATE WILL BE PRINTED ON SHREDDED
PAPER.

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OFFICES
R. Orben
13/FEB/1989
The chapter on the budget deficit will be printed in red ink.

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OFFICES
THOMAS GARDNER
12/MAY/1987

People wait so long, there are more skeletons in his waiting room than
in his office.

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OFFICES
THOMAS GARDNER
12/MAY/1987

He's so expensive it's cheaper to be dead.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OFFICE
Orben's Current Comedy
07/AUG/1985

Our company has a unique retirement program. You work until you die.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OFFICE
Orben's Current Comedy
18/NOV/1985
An office party is an event that's on your schedule for an hour, on your
conscience for a week, and on your personal record forever.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OFFICE
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
05/DEC/1984

The most creative work in any company usually takes place the day
after the office party -- when you try to convince the executive you called
an S.O.B. that it stands for Star of Business.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Office
Orben
AUG/1979
Gee whiz, why didn't someone tell me they move the coffee machine?
All day long I've been putting cream and sugar in my Tab!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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^[[OFFICE]]
Orben's
22/OCT/1973
Personnel records always ask the dumbest questions. Like: "Who to
notify in case of accident?" I always put down: "A good doctor!"

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OFFICE
Jack Sender
MAY/1978

The entire office was decorated in ratan and plants. It was like walking
into a Duck Blind.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OLYMPICS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
21/Jun/1984
I have the same reaction to the Russians boycotting the Olympics as I'd
have to ants boycotting my picnic.

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OLYMPICS '84
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
13/JUL/1984
Smog is definitely going to be a problem at the Los Angeles Olympics.
They now expect the marathon to take five hours -- two hours to reach
the finish line and three hours to find the finish line.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OLYMPICS '84
PD Gag
/MAY/1983

If you think the air in LA is bad - wait until (1984) the Olympic athletes
take off their socks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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OLYMPICS
Martha Bolton
17/APR/1984

My eyes have seen more circles than an Olympic poster!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 3
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Smithsonian Institution
National Museum of American History

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